October 17, 2014

There is so much in a kiss: pleasure, intimacy, and connection. The mouth is built to receive and express. The lips, the door way of the mouth, are lined with a high number of nerves, where babies first receive nurturing and also explore their worlds. It is no wonder that kissing is the principal way of expressing romantic desire. In the kiss, two bodies will regulate with the breath, pulse, heat, and fluid of the other. Two people can tune harmoniously to one another through this seemingly simple act. What I often find is that people fear kissing because it won’t be “good.” I liken it to dancing, painting, singing, or playing; often, people fear and give up doing pleasurable activities, because they focus on the PERFORMANCE and lose sight of how it FELT good to JUST DO it. Many people are barely ENJOYING kissing! So many times, both people repeat what they learn as teenagers. Kissing has become both people performing two different songs they learned as children, and it is a disaster! Worse yet, rarely do people slow the process down to the point where they can actually move between giving and receiving love and pleasure.


So many factors lead to “bad” kissing in our culture. Bad kissing is a result of sexual shame, body shame, performance anxiety, and the strong cultural notion that there is a RIGHT way to do it. Moreover, many people feel shame about receiving pleasure or enjoying a sexual act that may look carnal, lead to messy floods, and animalistic sounds. We are taught to get enough sexual enjoyment to be happy, but not too much to become a dirty, worthless slut.


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​Abby Volk Neuberg MFT, LPCC

LMFT No. 77518, LPCC No. 846

582 Market Street, San Francisco

Abby Neuberg LMFT 77158, LPCC 846

582 Market Street, SF, CA 94104