The hardest part about dating is the “dating game” which often creates more harm than good. There are the social norms of not harassing or abusing on dates which are really important. But other dating games can end up suppressing a person’s own intuition and desires, like when daters try to be the fantasy people they assume is idealized in the other’s mind. The dating rules that I have come across make me concerned for those loving souls just trying to connect while holding on to their authentic sense of self; so I thought, I would write guidelines for a win-win situation.
1) F&%# the dating game rules. Get rid of them! Woo Hoo!
Now, ask yourself: What do you really want to say and really want to do? So many times people don’t want to appear needy or judgmental, and so they act like someone they’re not. (P.S. We are all needy and judgmental, and if you’re not, then you won’t be in a real relationship.) Guess what? Eventually, inevitably, you will be found out; and then it really hurts to lose the person after they discover that you both don’t want the same thing. I say, ask for what you want without blaming. Use “I” statements. For example: I want _______ because _______ means _______ to me. OR…_______ is important to me because _______. For me, I experience _______ like_______ because_______ .
Worst thing you can do is blindly agree to be or do whatever the other person wants, just to avoid conflict. They need to like YOU, and NOT what you will DO or BE for them. Working through conflict, disagreement, and negotiating desires MAKES your relationship. It is how other people come to really understand you. It may feel vulnerable to put your needs, wants, and desires out there, but that’s intimacy. The more you hold back, the less you will get, the less of a REAL connection you will have, and more resentment and isolation you will feel. If they aren’t down with what you are putting out, MOVE ON, and wish them a happy life!
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