Should I Stay or Should I Go? When You and Your Partner Want Different Things
By Abby Neuberg, LMFT, LPCC
You’re wondering whether to leave. Your partner is asking what it would take to stay. You might still be making dinner, taking the kids to soccer, and talking about what needs to happen this weekend. And underneath all of that, you’re carrying a question that changes the meaning of every conversation: Do we both still want to be here?
On Tell Me More About That, I talked with Steph about discernment counseling and what it offers couples in this gray area. It’s a way to slow down and understand what’s happened between you, what each of you wants, and what you’re willing to do next. Sometimes the first honest conversation is simply admitting that you’re asking different questions.
Want to hear the full conversation with Steph Paquin, LMFT, about discernment counseling? Watch the episode of Tell Me More About That on YouTube or listen on Spotify.
When one of you is leaning out
One partner might be thinking, How can we get back to feeling close? The other might be thinking, Do I want to try again? Both questions deserve room. If you’ve already tried couples therapy, the prospect of going back can bring up its own doubts. What would be different this time? Would we just spend another hour having the same fight?
Discernment counseling gives couples room to talk about that uncertainty directly. It can be especially relevant when one partner wants to preserve the relationship and the other feels ambivalent or is leaning toward leaving. For some parents, part of the uncertainty is about what a separation would mean for their kids. They may want to understand what they’ve tried and what they would realistically be willing to try before making a decision.
If both partners decide to pursue couples therapy, they may come in with a clearer sense of what brought them to this point and what each person is willing to work on. That’s a different conversation from showing up because one of you booked the appointment and the other agreed to go.
The fight about who’s right
Something I see often is how quickly a preference can become a rule. “I want us to talk about this tonight” turns into “You can’t just walk away when we’re having a conversation.” Meanwhile, “I need some time to settle down” turns into “You always make everything into a big deal.”
There may be real hurt underneath both positions. If silence has come to mean that an issue will never get addressed, a pause can feel like being brushed off again. If a hard conversation tends to escalate, stepping away may be how someone tries to stay steady. Each partner has a reason for doing what they do, and each can still feel the impact of what the other does.
Saying what you want can feel surprisingly exposing. “I miss spending time with you” gives your partner a chance to hear you, but it also means they might tell you they don’t want the same thing. Sometimes it feels safer to argue that any reasonable partner would make more time. You get to stay angry for a while before facing how lonely you’ve felt.
What it feels like to be heard
In our conversation, we talked about how hard it can be to stay curious when your partner tells you they’re hurt. You might be explaining your intentions before they’ve even finished. Or you might go quiet because you’re already thinking about everything you’ve done wrong.
A moment of repair can be much smaller than people imagine. You might hear, “I felt alone when you changed the subject,” and ask, “What were you hoping I’d hear?” That’s a moment of taking your partner seriously. You can still talk about what was happening for you once you’ve understood a little more about what happened for them.
There’s also the ordinary exhaustion of work, kids, and the logistics of getting through a week. When you’re stretched thin, it’s easy to know exactly who’s doing pickup and have very little idea what your partner has been thinking about lately. That kind of distance can build quietly. By the time you name it, you may each have a different story about how you got there.
Making a decision you understand
I think there’s a particular kind of loneliness in wondering whether to stay, especially when you know your answer will affect people you love. You can care deeply about your partner and still feel unsure about continuing. You can want to stay and know that staying would require more from you than you’ve been willing or able to give.
What I appreciated about my conversation with Steph was the room it made for questions people often rush past. What have I been afraid to ask for? What happens when my partner tells me they’re disappointed? If we both chose to give this another try, what would I be willing to do differently on an ordinary Tuesday?
Those questions can make the decision more specific. For someone who’s been circling Should I stay or should I go? for months, it can be a relief to finally put into words what they’re deciding.
About Steph Paquin
Steph Paquin, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist at The Tissue Clinic. She offers couples therapy and discernment counseling, helping partners understand the patterns they keep getting stuck in and decide what they want to do next. She sees clients in person in the Minneapolis area and offers telehealth throughout Minnesota and California.
Learn more at thetissueclinic.com
Comments