Are You Understanding—or Too Understanding?

The difference between someone who is understanding and someone who is too understanding is whether they feel responsible for caretaking or resolving another person's discomfort. As a licensed couples and a sex therapist, I help people distinguish this daily.

People with a healthy capacity for empathy and understanding don't feel responsible for fixing someone else's sadness, hurt, or discomfort. They recognize that difficult emotions belong to the other person and that those emotions can be tolerated without needing to make them go away.

People who are overly understanding often feel anxious or guilty during conflict or when someone is hurt. They experience another person's difficult feelings as a threat to the relationship rather than a natural part of individuality, growth, and closeness.

Being emotionally healthy doesn't mean being less empathetic. It means feeling comfortable allowing other people to have their own emotional experiences, even when you choose not to help, rescue, or caretake them.

People-pleasing is putting other people's needs first in the hope that your own needs will eventually be met. Many people-pleasers learned this strategy as a way of staying emotionally, physically, or relationally safe during childhood or because of experiences of oppression. They learned that if they didn't reduce conflict, they might be punished, abused, rejected, criticized, guilted, shamed, or neglected. Conflict itself became associated with danger rather than simply being a normal part of close relationships.

People who struggle with people-pleasing—or what is often called codependency—also tend to believe that if they love someone enough, nurture them enough, or take good enough care of them, that care will eventually be returned. They may believe that the way to earn love, security, or connection is by becoming indispensable to other people, rather than trusting that healthy relationships involve mutual care, respect, and responsibility.

The first step in becoming less overly understanding is learning to see other people's feelings and desires as their own, not yours. Treat every moment of conflict or pain as an opportunity for curiosity. Ask yourself: Do I want to take care of this person? Do I have the capacity to take care of them? Have I spent more time caretaking for them than they have invested in caring for me? Is this actually a situation where they should be taking care of me instead—for example, if they're my doctor, therapist, or teacher? And finally, how much of my own needs am I sacrificing to take care of theirs? These questions help you distinguish empathy from over-functioning and remind you that caring for someone is a choice, not an obligation.