How to Become Less Defensive During Arguments

The number one strategy for becoming less defensive during arguments is to stop taking criticism or requests personally. Yes, easier said than done.

As a Gottman couples therapist, I know that defensiveness is one of the strongest predictors that a relationship won't last. Research shows that being able to hear criticism as information about another person's needs, feelings, and boundaries is a key relationship skill.

During conflict, imagine that they're talking to you about somebody else. Focus on taking long, slow breaths, relaxing your body, and responding to every statement with reflections such as, "_____ is what you wanted," "_________was your experience," "___________ was how it was for you," and "Did I get that right?"

Focus on the behavior that made them upset. Ignore statements about your intentions or motivations for the moment. Ask what didn't work for them and what they are hoping for in the future so the conversation can stay productive.

Making reflections is not about showing agreement; it's about creating understanding.

The reason we become defensive is that we're protecting our identity, defending our boundaries, and trying to have our own needs understood. Trust that you'll have an opportunity to come back to those in a few minutes or even in another conversation.

Ask clarifying questions to get to the heart of their needs and wants. This often helps calm the other person and makes them more collaborative. Moreover, this approach helps move them out of an attacking or blaming posture and into one where the two of you can work together to solve the problem.