Lube Isn’t a Last Resort: It’s a Pleasure Enhancer

As an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, I talk to clients all the time about using lubricant as part of sexual play. Yet there can still be a surprising amount of stigma around lube, much like there is around using sex toys. People sometimes assume that if you “need” lube, something isn’t working correctly.

I’d rather think about lube the same way I think about sex toys: it’s a pleasure enhancer. You don’t have to need it to enjoy what it adds.

Choosing a Lube

I’m not a physician or a chemist, so I’m not going to get too far into the ingredients or hypoallergenic aspects of different lubricants. From a sex therapy perspective, though, I generally encourage people to keep things relatively simple.

Fancy lubes with lots of scents, flavors, warming agents, or other additives can sometimes be irritating, particularly for people with sensitive skin. Water-based lubes are popular because they’re versatile, generally compatible with condoms and toys, and easy to clean up. Oil-based lubricants tend to last longer, but they are not compatible with latex condoms and may not be appropriate for every body or situation.

The right lubricant depends on your body, what you’re doing sexually, the toys or barriers you’re using, and your needs around STI and pregnancy prevention.

Make Lube Part of the Play

One of the biggest misconceptions about lube is that applying it means stopping everything to deal with some sort of sexual maintenance issue.

It doesn’t.

Reapplying lube can actually become another form of touch. A small amount on the fingertips can make slow, gentle touch around the vulva and external clitoris feel very different. People often focus only on the clitoral head and forget that the external clitoral structures extend around it. Gentle pressure around the vaginal opening and perineum can also feel pleasurable.

The same principle applies to a penis. Lubricant can change the sensation of touching the head of the penis, the frenulum, testicles, shaft, groin, and perineum. And a penis does not have to be erect before touching begins. Slow, lubricated touch can be part of building arousal rather than something that happens only after arousal is already there.

You can also get creative with the rest of your body. Lubricated skin against hands, arms, breasts, thighs, or other parts of the body can turn touch into a playful exploration of pressure, temperature, movement, and sensation.

Lube Can Build Anticipation

Lube can even become part of sexual communication.

People often think “dirty talk” requires saying something wildly explicit or performing a sexual persona that doesn’t feel natural. It can be much simpler than that.

The easiest form of sexy talk is often just describing what you’re noticing, what feels good, or what you’d like to do next.

You might say, “I want to get my hands nice and slick so I can touch you the way you like.”

Or, “This feels really good. I want to add some more lube and make it last. How do you want me to touch you?”

Suddenly, getting more lubricant isn’t an interruption. It’s anticipation.

Lube and Anal Play

Lubrication is particularly important with anal play because the anus does not naturally lubricate the way vaginal tissue can. Anal penetration requires plenty of lubrication, adequate arousal, communication, and a slow pace.

And penetration doesn’t have to be the goal. Lubricated external touch around the anus and perineum can be pleasurable on its own.

Lube Helps, but It Doesn’t Replace Arousal

This is one of the most important things I teach clients: lubrication and arousal are related, but they are not the same thing.

A person can be mentally turned on and not produce much natural lubrication. Someone can also lubricate without necessarily experiencing desire. Hormones, medications, stress, menopause and perimenopause, and many other factors can affect lubrication.

For many people with vulvas, arousal also takes time. Rather than rushing immediately toward the genitals or penetration, spend time with kissing, touching, massage, conversation, fantasy, or whatever helps that person's body become engaged in the experience.

Lube can be wonderful during that process. It just shouldn’t be used as a way to rush a body toward penetration before it is ready.

Pain Is a Reason to Stop, Not Push Through

If vaginal or anal penetration hurts, stop. Pain is not something to push through.

Repeatedly having painful sex can create a cycle where the body begins anticipating pain and tightening or becoming anxious in response. More lubricant may help when friction or dryness is contributing, but persistent pain or dryness deserves attention rather than simply adding more lube and continuing.

Ongoing vaginal or vulvar dryness can be related to hormonal changes, particularly during perimenopause and menopause, and some people benefit from medical treatment in addition to lubricant. A gynecologist, menopause specialist, pelvic floor physical therapist, or AASECT Certified Sex Therapist may be helpful depending on what is happening.

Ultimately, lube doesn’t have to mean, “My body isn't working.”

It can mean, “This feels good. Let's make it feel even better.”

Stopping for lube doesn’t have to take you out of the moment. It can become part of the anticipation, communication, creativity, and pleasure that make sex more fun in the first place.