Worried About Your Sex Drive? Your Libido May Be More Normal Than You Think

As a Certified Sex Therapist and Gottman couples therapist with 13 years in private practice, I’m not surprised that more than half of people report concerns about their libido or sexual desire, according to recent research.

Social comparison is a natural way we reflect on ourselves and our choices. Wondering occasionally, Am I having enough sex? Should I want sex more? Is everyone else having better sex than I am? is completely normal. The bigger question is how preoccupied we become with these worries and whether that anxiety gets in the way of learning, growing, and enjoying our relationships.

We Compare Our Insides to Other People's Outsides

It's easy to assume other people have relationships and sex figured out. We compare all of our private thoughts, insecurities, and complicated moments to what other people choose to show us.

Most people aren't advertising their sexual concerns, desire discrepancies, awkward moments, or relationship struggles. Those things are vulnerable. So we can end up assuming everyone else is doing better than we are.

Pornography, social media, movies, and other entertainment can add another layer of distortion. They can create unrealistic expectations about how sexual desire is "supposed" to feel, particularly in long-term relationships.

Desire Changes in Long-Term Relationships

One of the biggest misconceptions I see is the belief that you should spontaneously want sex with your partner throughout your relationship.

Many people, particularly women, experience responsive desire. Instead of feeling horny first and then deciding to have sex, they may start from a place of openness: I'm not turned on right now, but I'm open to seeing if I get there. Affection, touch, flirting, or foreplay may then lead to arousal and desire.

Desire also naturally changes as relationships mature. The intense drive you experienced at the beginning of a relationship isn't necessarily what desire will feel like two, five, or ten years later. Priorities change, novelty decreases, and life gets fuller.

That doesn't automatically mean something is wrong with your relationship. Long-term desire often needs to be cultivated. It takes intention, curiosity, and a willingness to keep learning about yourself and your partner.

There Isn't One "Normal" Libido

Sexual desire exists on a spectrum. Some people are asexual and experience little or no sexual desire. Others may want sex frequently. Neither end of that spectrum is automatically unhealthy or pathological.

Rather than asking, "Is my sex drive normal?" I encourage people to ask a more useful question:

What are the conditions that help me experience desire?

Think about what you need emotionally in a relationship to feel interested in sex. What time of day works for your body? What kind of atmosphere helps? What types of touch turn you on? What shuts desire down?

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski is a great resource for understanding the "accelerators and brakes" of sexual response. While the book focuses primarily on people with vulvas, many of its concepts can be useful for anyone.

Your libido doesn't need to look like anyone else's. Understanding your own desire is much more useful than comparing it to what you imagine everyone else is experiencing.