From Adrenaline to Safety: Unlearning the Idea That Love Should Feel Like Chaos

There’s a pattern many ADHD adults quietly recognize: the relationships that feel the strongest often hurt the most.

This pattern doesn’t come from poor judgment. It comes from misinterpreting emotional intensity as emotional depth.

Why Intensity Feels Magnetic

Unpredictable partners create a cycle of anticipation and relief. That cycle produces dopamine, urgency, and hyperfocus.

The body experiences:

• anticipation as excitement

• anxiety as attraction

• uncertainty as depth

The relationship feels alive because the nervous system stays activated.

But activation isn’t the same as connection.

It’s stimulation.

The Gaslighting Effect

Growing up with ADHD often means being corrected constantly—about memory, attention, emotions, and reactions.

Over time, this creates a habit: question your own perception first.

So when a partner challenges your version of reality, the reflex is familiar. You re-evaluate yourself before you re-evaluate them.

You adjust your narrative to keep the bond intact.

The relationship stretches far beyond its expiration date.

Loyalty to the “Almost Version”

Hyperfocus intensifies attachment to potential. A partner doesn’t need to be consistently kind or stable; they only need to be occasionally promising.

Those rare moments become evidence. The brain builds a story around the future version who could exist permanently.

You remain committed to a possibility.

Why Stability Can Feel Empty

Then comes the confusing part: a healthy relationship can feel underwhelming.

No emotional whiplash.

No constant analysis.

No fear of losing the relationship after a small mistake.

Instead of relief, there’s discomfort. Something feels missing.

What’s missing is adrenaline.

For a nervous system used to chaos, peace feels unfamiliar. Calm feels suspicious. Safety feels dull.

But the absence of anxiety isn’t the absence of love. It’s the presence of security.

The Real Definition of Chemistry

Chemistry isn’t the feeling of being destabilized. It isn’t the urge to chase reassurance. It isn’t the fear of doing something wrong.

Real connection allows you to stop scanning for danger.

It lets you remain consistent because the relationship is consistent.

Love isn’t supposed to feel like losing control.

It’s supposed to feel safe enough that you don’t need to.

-Abby Neuberg LMFT, Cert. Sex Therapist and ADHD Expert