What Helps Women Experience More Sexual Desire?

By Abby Neuberg, Certified Sex Therapist

Many women come to me wondering why their sexual desire has change or why it feels difficult to access at all. One of the first things I share is this: desire isn’t something you either “have” or “don’t have.” It’s responsive. It’s shaped by context, emotional connection, stress levels, and how safe and supported your body feels.

There is nothing “wrong” with you if desire feels unpredictable. In fact, most women experience desire in response to the right conditions and not out of the blue. Below are the evidence-based factors that increase the likelihood of feeling sexual desire, drawn from research in sex therapy, neuroscience, and relational psychology.

1. Emotional Safety and Reduced Stress

Women’s bodies are highly sensitive to stress and emotional load. When the nervous system is on alert (e.g. managing work, parenting, caretaking, or even the mental load of daily life) and the body’s “brakes” on sexual desire turn on.

What helps desire grow:

• Feeling emotionally supported and understood

• A sense of fairness in household or emotional labor

• Time to unwind before intimacy

• A partner who expresses curiosity, warmth, and nonjudgment

When your body feels safe, desire becomes far more accessible.

2. Feeling Seen, Valued, and Wanted

For many women, desire deepens not from pressure, but from genuine connection.

Desire is more likely when:

• A partner shows appreciation throughout the day

• There is affection that isn’t only sexual

• She feels emotionally close and “chosen”

• Compliments and warmth are offered freely

When a woman feels valued, the system that supports sexual desire activates more easily.

3. Body Comfort and Self-Compassion

Sexual desire is strongly linked to how comfortable a woman feels in her own skin, not how she objectively looks. Even a small shift toward body neutrality or self-kindness can expand desire.

Helpful supports include:

• Partners who express authentic appreciation

• Environments (lighting, clothing, pacing) that foster comfort

• Mindfulness practices that keep attention on sensation, not self-criticism

Confidence is not a requirement for desire… comfort is.

4. Understanding Responsive Desire

Many women experience responsive desire, meaning desire emerges after arousal and connection begin. This is normal and healthy.

Responsive desire is more likely to appear when:

• There is genuine emotional closeness

• Touch and connection start slowly

• There’s no pressure to “get in the mood” instantly

• Intimacy is approached with curiosity, not expectation

Understanding this can be a huge relief. Nothing is “broken.” Your desire simply has a different rhythm.

5. Physical Well-Being and Medical Factors

The body’s overall well-being deeply impacts desire.

Factors that can decrease desire:

• Fatigue or poor sleep

• Pain with sex or pelvic floor tension

• Hormonal shifts (postpartum, perimenopause, menopause)

• Certain medications

• Chronic stress or illness

Supportive steps may include:

• Addressing pain or dryness

• Talking with a physician about medication effects

• Prioritizing rest and restorative time

• Tending to hormone-related symptoms

A comfortable body makes pleasure easier to access.

6. Playfulness, Novelty, and Anticipation

The brain’s reward system loves novelty and playfulness. Even small changes can rekindle desire.

Enhancers include:

• Trying new locations or times of day

• Building anticipation (texts, flirting, planned intimacy)

• Sensual touch without pressure for intercourse

• Exploring new rituals that feel fun and surprising

Sexual desire thrives when intimacy feels exciting, tender, or playful—not routine.

7. No Pressure, No Performance

Nothing shuts down desire faster than feeling obligated or rushed.Desire grows when sex feels:

• collaborative

• optional

• pleasure-focused

• adaptive and flexible

When pressure drops, desire naturally has room to rise.

8. Relationship Warmth and Repair

Unresolved conflict, resentment, or disconnection can quiet desire. Emotional repair is often the most powerful aphrodisiac.

Increasing connection might look like:

• Honest, compassionate conversations

• Repairing ruptures instead of avoiding them

• Feeling like teammates in life

• Rebuilding trust and intimacy through small everyday moments

A warm relationship creates conditions where sexual desire can return.

The Bottom Line

Women’s sexual desire is deeply responsive to context (e.g. emotional, relational, physical, and psychological). When women feel safe, supported, seen, and unpressured, desire becomes more likely to emerge. There is no one “right” way to experience desire, and there is certainly no need to pathologize your experience.

If sexual desire has felt confusing or out of reach, you are not alone—and you don’t need to navigate it by yourself.

If You’d Like Support

As a therapist, I help women and couples understand their desire, rebuild connection, and create intimacy that feels authentic and nourishing. If you’d like to explore this with professional support, you’re welcome to reach out.