The "Ick," Intuition, and Relationship Red Flags

As a Gottman Couples Therapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, I’ve noticed how quickly we dismiss or minimize women who talk about having “the ick” while dating or in a relationship.

Yes, social media influencers have offered plenty of silly examples—like a man wearing socks with sandals. Humor aside, sometimes the ick deserves to be taken seriously.

The ick can be an intuitive or unconscious awareness that small behaviors point to larger patterns of manipulation, unhealthy power dynamics, emotional immaturity, or even abuse. Women are often socialized to ignore or tolerate microaggressions rooted in misogyny—and the mistreatment that can accompany them.

Women are also taught to have low expectations of partnerships with men. We may describe a relationship as “good” simply because there is no obvious abuse, betrayal, or cruelty. But the absence of overt harm is not the same thing as feeling respected, considered, safe, and genuinely cared for.

Sometimes the ick is asking us to look more closely. What appears to be a small turnoff may actually reflect subtle selfishness, neglect, entitlement, or an expectation that you will carry more than your share. Your reaction may be drawing attention to a pattern your conscious mind has not yet named.

The ick does not automatically mean someone is dangerous or that a relationship must end. But it is worth getting curious about instead of immediately talking yourself out of it. Ask yourself:

• What exactly happened?

• Did I feel disrespected, dismissed, pressured, or taken for granted?

• Is this an isolated moment or part of a larger pattern?

• Do I feel more like an equal partner—or like a caretaker, manager, or supporting character?

• When I bring up a concern, does this person respond with curiosity and accountability?

Not every uncomfortable feeling is intuition, but not every uncomfortable feeling is superficial either. Sometimes the ick is your body noticing a relational pattern before your mind has found the words for it.

You do not need to prove that someone is “bad enough” before taking your own discomfort seriously. A healthy relationship should offer more than the absence of obvious abuse. It should include mutual respect, emotional maturity, consideration, accountability, and the freedom to trust what you notice.