
By Abby Neuberg
Massages can serve as a profound means of fostering emotional intimacy and communication between partners. When approached with the intention of mutual care and exploration, non-sexual massages can become a valuable tool for couples to learn how to ask for their needs and observe what arises during this intimate exchange.
Setting the Stage: Finding the Right Time and Space
The first step in this practice is for both partners to find a time when they are free from distractions, alone, and alert. It is crucial that neither partner feels pressured or coerced into participating. Enthusiastic consent is essential; both should genuinely want to engage in the activity for it to be beneficial. Treat this as a game or as play time and not something you need to be good at or you can fail at. You just want to learn about what thoughts or stories that may take you out of the moment, which you can share with a professional and process through.
Creating a Safe and Comfortable Environment
Before beginning, set up a comfortable and serene space. Bonus: Use soft lighting, calming music, and perhaps some aromatherapy to create a relaxing atmosphere. Each partner should have a turn at arranging this setting, allowing them to express their care and attention to detail.
Taking Turns: Trading Roles and Responsibilities
Partners will trade off making time for the activity and deciding who goes first. This practice of alternating roles ensures a balanced dynamic where both individuals experience being the giver and the receiver of care. It also allows each partner to feel valued and understood in both positions. Each partner will give and receive massages for five minutes, ensuring that both have equal time in each role. This can end sooner if either person feels tired or uncomfortable.
The Art of Asking and Receiving
This exercise serves two primary purposes:
Learning to Ask for Needs: Many individuals struggle with expressing their needs and desires, particularly in intimate settings. By practicing this in a non-sexual context, partners can become more comfortable and articulate in asking for what they need, fostering better communication overall.
Observing Emotional Responses: Both partners should pay attention to their emotional and physical reactions during the massage. This mindful observation can reveal underlying feelings or tensions that may not be immediately apparent. Discussing these observations afterward can lead to deeper emotional understanding and connection.
Debriefing and Reflecting
After the massage, it is beneficial for partners to debrief and reflect on their experience. They can discuss what felt good, any challenges they faced in communicating their needs, and how they felt in the roles of giver and receiver. This conversation should be approached with openness and non-judgment, focusing on mutual learning and growth. This is also helpful to process in individual and couples therapy.
Conclusion: Building a Foundation of Trust and Communication
Non-sexual partner massages can be a transformative practice for couples, offering a pathway to enhanced communication, emotional intimacy, and mutual understanding. By taking the time to care for one another in this intentional way, partners can build a stronger foundation of trust and empathy, enriching their relationship both in and out of the massage setting.
First Session: Enhancing Connection Through Non-Sexual Partner Massages
In the first session, both partners will engage in a fully clothed massage exercise, focusing on different pressures to enhance connection and communication. Here’s a step-by-step guide:
Setting Up
Comfortable Positioning: Both partners should find a comfortable way to perform the exercise. Options include sitting cross-legged on the floor or sitting on dining room chairs facing each other.
The Massage
Giver's Focus: The giver will explore different types of touch, varying from feather-light to firm pressure. They can start with gentle touches using their fingertips, followed by soft scratches with the nails, and eventually using different parts of the hand.
Areas of Focus: The giver will touch the receiver’s hand, moving up to the elbow. It is important to avoid causing pain or overwhelming tickling sensations.
Receiver's Role: The receiver will focus on noticing the sensations they like and dislike. They will also notice thoughts that come up or take them out of the experience.
Communication
Non-Verbal Cues: The giver can monitor the receiver’s reactions by observing their facial expressions and body language.
Verbal Check-Ins: The giver can ask questions to ensure the receiver’s comfort and ongoing consent, such as "Do you want me to keep going?" or "Are you uncomfortable in any way?"
Ending the Session
Closing the Session: After switching, both partners should thank each other for participating and trying the exercise.
Giver's Reflection: The giver will name three things they noticed during the session without any criticism of themselves or their partner. This could include what they liked or thoughts that came into their head. Maybe focus on sensations they felt or things they notice in their partner (no guesses).
Receiver's Reflection: The receiver will also share three things they noticed, avoiding any criticism. They can compliment their partner or vulnerably share if their mind was drifting, or if they had assumptions or stories in their head. The receiver should also mention one or more things they would like more of in the future. For example, "I loved the place you found near my thumb and would love more pressure there next time!"
Conclusion
This exercise is designed to help partners learn how to ask for their needs and observe their reactions in a non-sexual context. By focusing on touch and communication, couples can enhance their emotional intimacy and understanding of each other.
Second Session: Enhancing Communication Through Non-Sexual Partner Massages
In the second session, both partners will build on their previous experience by incorporating more specific feedback and refining their communication skills.
Setting Up
Comfortable Positioning: Just like in the first session, both partners should find a comfortable way to perform the exercise, such as sitting cross-legged on the floor or on dining room chairs facing each other.
The Massage
Giver's Focus: The giver will ask questions about the receiver’s preferences for pressure, parts of the hand to use, and specific areas to focus on. Questions might include, "How is this pressure?", "Would you prefer if I used my fingertips or the palm of my hand?", and "Which area would you like me to focus on next?"
Observational Skills: The giver should also try to observe the receiver’s body language, facial expressions, and breathing patterns to gauge comfort. Look for signs of discomfort, such as tension in the body, grimacing, or shortness of breath.
Communication
Positive Requests: The receiver will practice phrasing their feedback as positive requests. Instead of saying "too hard!" they might say "softer please!" This helps maintain a positive atmosphere and provides clear, actionable feedback.
Acknowledging Positives: The receiver should also name what is working well and suggest any positive changes that could be made. For example, "I love how you’re using your palm, and I’d like it a bit softer."
Pausing to Reflect: If either partner needs time to think about their response, they can say "pause and let me think." This allows for thoughtful communication and avoids rushed or reactive comments.
Goal of the Session
Constructive Feedback: The first goal is for the giver to learn how to ask questions and receive feedback. The second goal is for the receiver is not to be in control but to learn how to provide constructive feedback without criticism. This encourages a more supportive and positive interaction.
Ending the Session
Closing the Session: After the two 5 minute sessions, both partners should thank each other for participating and trying the exercise.
Reflection: The giver will name three things they noticed during the session. The receiver will also share three things they noticed, avoiding any criticism, and mention one or more things they would like more of in the future. You can note things that may have pulled you away from the moment.
Conclusion
By focusing on positive communication and observational skills, this session helps partners enhance their emotional intimacy and understanding of each other. Through thoughtful feedback and mutual care, couples can continue to build a stronger, more supportive relationship.
If you find yourself drifting, or getting into anxious thoughts take helpful tips from Constance Avery-Clark and Linda Weiner’s Book: Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy: The Illustrated Manual. Here a summary of the key concept!
Sensate Focus: Using Mindfulness to Alleviate Anxiety
Sensate Focus is a therapeutic technique that uses mindfulness and a focus on physical sensations to help alleviate anxiety, particularly related to intimacy. Done with a safe partner, by concentrating on the immediate sensory experience—such as touch, pressure, and temperature—individuals can shift their attention away from anxious thoughts and fears. This method encourages being present in the moment and fully experiencing the sensations without judgment or expectation, fostering a deeper connection with oneself and one’s partner. Over time, Sensate Focus can reduce anxiety, enhance emotional intimacy, and improve overall sexual well-being.
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